


All I hear are the words that I needed to say

by onceuponasam



Series: I just want to be happy. I want it to be real. [1]
Category: Glee
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon, Angst, Anxiety, Cigarettes, Future Fic, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks, Self-Esteem Issues, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-07
Updated: 2020-09-17
Packaged: 2021-03-07 06:13:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26348416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onceuponasam/pseuds/onceuponasam
Summary: Sebastian forced Kurt to explain to him why he would forgive Sebastian. Sebastian however realised too late that he forced Kurt to tell him. The damage was already done when he noticed Kurt had blocked his phone number. Hunter told Sebastian he needed to give Kurt some space, and Sebastian feels really conflicted about it. Feeling very anxious about it.
Relationships: Hunter Clarington/Kurt Hummel/Sebastian Smythe, Kurt Hummel/Sebastian Smythe
Series: I just want to be happy. I want it to be real. [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1914571
Comments: 17
Kudos: 22





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was a self para I wrote when I was in a rp. Kurtbastian was going to happen at first and eventually Kuntbastian (hence the ot3 tag). They're older and living in Vancouver, Canada.  
> -  
> Mentions of Kurt Hummel, Hunter Clarington, Blaine Anderson, and an oc (roommate/friend of Kurt).

_“I don't wanna lose control,_

_Nothing I can do anymore._

_Trying every day when I hold my breath_

_Spinning out in space pressing on my chest._

_I don't wanna lose control”_

* * *

_God fucking dammit._ Sebastian threw his phone away in a direction he didn’t know. 

Frustration, anger, and hurt started to bubble inside of him; feeling out of control. He wanted to understand Kurt. He wanted to see-, _know_ what was the reason why Kurt was going to forgive him. Or already has. He wasn’t sure anymore.

But because they started to talk more, Sebastian wanted to get to know Kurt more; what had happened in Kurt’s past, how Kurt became Kurt. How he became the person that he is today. However instead of respecting Kurt when he told Sebastian an indirect ‘no’, Sebastian overstepped boundaries. _Again_. Only this time with Kurt. 

He overstepped with Blaine this week and now with Kurt. Fuck, what is with him lately? Sebastian thought he had finally reached some peace in his life, being in Vancouver, having a steady job.  
  


However it felt like he stepped into a rollercoaster, and it has been going up, down, sideways… going very fast at the same time. And on top of all that, he didn’t feel like the ride would stop anytime soon.

He ran into Kurt in the coffeeshop, Blaine was there in the chat, and he ran into Hunter in the gym. He started to feel suddenly very dizzy, and placed his palms on the wall right in front of him, next to his tv. He lowered his head, let out an angry, frustrated scream before slammed his right fist against the wall. _Why does he fuck up ever little thing he lets close?_ Kurt and Sebastian were on talking terms, it was going in the right direction. He didn’t expect it, but he liked it. And now he pushed Kurt, and didn't give the other space. Sebastian forced Kurt, and holy fuck, Sebastian felt atrocious about it.

His mistakes were made before he could realise it. It also didn’t help that Kurt fucking blocked his number. That and also that Hunter was telling him to respect his privacy.

Sebastian wanted to make it up, he wanted to make things better. He actually doesn’t want to hold his grudges for once; he wanted to fix things that he broke into pieces.

Sebastian knew it was for the better, but his voice kept repeating that Kurt probably needed alone time right now, and that he needed to leave him be, as well with that he fucked up big time once more.

It sounded like a torture, everytime the two lines were repeating in his head. It made his skin crawl and he noticed it on the outside, as well. His body shrunk, scraping his fist against the wall. He felt out of control, uncontrollably frightened, his anxiety getting higher by the minute. As well as his walls.

Sebastian _knew_ he shouldn’t do anything right now, but his anxiety and fear of losing control started to peak. He looked over his shoulder, back to the dinner table where his cigarettes were laying. His thoughts ran over the conversation once more.

He rolled his eyes far back, throwing his head back and groaned loud. Slamming his fists against the wall once more, before pushing himself off the wall as he walked over the table. In one quick movement, he took the cancer sticks, opened the package, and growling a low, anger ‘fuck it’ and placed the bud in between his lips. 

The lighter that Darcy gave him was staring at him when he turned around. It felt like it was burning his eyes. _Of course, another fucking reminder._ While the cigarette was still hanging loosely on his lips, his teeth however were clenched together tight. He stared at the plastic for a long time. 

After some time (he honestly didn’t know how long) his eyes started to feel dry, only noticing that he was still staring at the lighter. To water his eyes again, he blinked fast, jerked his head in a different direction. 

Seeing his grand piano standing promptly, it made him think back to his years in France. _The simpler times_. Flashbacks were filling his head of how his grand-mère was teaching how to play, encouraging him to go on whenever he made (small) mistakes. 

His teeth clenched a bit of flesh on his cheek and bit it hard. He’d love to go back to France, to see how it was currently. If things were still the way he remembered it. _Fuck, he missed his younger years so much._ It made him wish he had a time machine just to replay these years again.

Without thinking Sebastian took the cigarette from his lips, threw it away like he did with his phone, and walked over to the chair in front of the instrument. In a quick movement he sat down.

Sitting down, he hesitated to open the piano cover, afraid of maybe not knowing how to play again. Maybe also being afraid of when he would play again, he would fail.

He gulped down and placed his fingers under the lid and lifted it carefully before letting it rest. 

Fingers hovered over the keys, playing random notes in the air, before starting to play automatically. Music started to fill his apartment and all his thoughts resolved, only focusing on him and the piano.


	2. 'Cause a scene like you're supposed to

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sebastian's thoughts wandered once more about what exactly happened between Hunter, Kurt and himself. However this time it's more vivid.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank Kat (<https://oldbettywhite.tumblr.com/>) and Jess (<https://tasteslikepencils.tumblr.com/>) for both being my rp partners back when I was a part of the roleplay server. Their Kurt/Hunter is in my opinion spot on.
> 
> I changed the tags a little bit and edited some, because I thought some were more accurate than others, plus I needed to add more because I don't want to trigger anybody.
> 
> That being said, my part is Sebastian’s texts and the writing outside the texts. Kat is portraying Kurt, and Jess is portraying Hunter.
> 
> Enjoy!

Sebastian slowly lifted his fingers above the piano keys when he stopped playing. Playing piano really helped him; he didn’t think about the situation the entire time he played. He was so focused that he forgot about everything else. It was an amazing feeling.

However slowly, and almost like poison, the texts were coming back to him.

He stood up, didn't even blinked once, and walked over to the arm of the couch. He let himself slide against the arm, to the ground. In an impulse he curled his legs to his chest and placed his arms around his knees. 

Everything started to haunt his mind. Almost as if he could actually hear Kurt and Hunter's voices out loud (as if they were reading the texts out loud).

This time would be perfect for him to reach for his slow killers; to light it, and inhale the toxicity deeply, let the smoke fill his lungs and let it burn. It was a better feeling, better than the ache he was feeling in his chest.

It felt like something heavy was pressing on his chest. He knew he had to focus on his breathing; deep breaths in, deep breaths out. It felt almost impossible; it was an overwhelming feeling that was already getting too much.

Smoking was something that helped him cope. Something whenever he was writing, but especially whenever he was feeling stressed, or feeling fucking anxious.

 _Fuck, Kurt and Hunter were really trying their best to help me quit smoking…_ But there he was; trying to make up excuses.. acting like a kid that wouldn’t let go of his favourite toy, holding on to it as tightly as he could.

And he did this for what exactly? They were just trying to help… His teeth clenched together and let his head drop low, on his arms. 

-/-/-/-/-

Hunter Clarington: If you’re asking for help then you need to put some effort in, Sebastian.

Sebastian Smythe: I made a separate group chat, Hunter.

Hunter Clarington: Effort in the process, Sebastian.

Sebastian Smythe: I'm trying...

Hunter Clarington: Start by cutting back.

Sebastian Smythe: Hm, I suppose I could

Sebastian Smythe: What if I just don't smoke over my lungs?

\----

Why was he getting so fucking defensive and didn’t see that they just cared…?

\----

Hunter Clarington: What?

Sebastian Smythe: Like inhaling but not inhaling deep enough, so it won't go to my lungs

Kurt Hummel: Throat and mouth cancer are things

Sebastian Smythe: I suppose I could try and cut it back a bit

Kurt Hummel: Also bad for your teeth

Sebastian Smythe: Yeah, yeah. You don't have to name all the reasons why it's bad for you... I know. But thanks for your concern, I guess

\----

Why didn’t he just accept it? His fists started to form into a ball and his anger started to raise. All of it aimed at himself.

\----

Kurt Hummel: Do you?

Kurt Hummel: List them, right now

Sebastian Smythe: I do, so I don't have to. We all know the reasons, so I won't repeat basic knowledge

Hunter Clarington: Do you?

Sebastian Smythe: Yes, I do.

Kurt Hummel: I'd honestly like proof of his knowledge of them to make him stop quitting. But, I can see, it was a coping mechanism he had developed over the years

Sebastian Smythe: 🙄

Kurt Hummel: If I have proof then at least I know you're making an inform decision about arguing about quitting

\----

Why was he so stubborn? Why did he fight this? It was so clear that they were just trying to help. He knew they were right. He didn’t see the use of quitting, but knew it was for the best. Sebastian knew they were right…

\----

Sebastian Smythe: Here's a list. Attachment file type: document message.txt

Kurt Hummel: Do you really want to have trouble... getting it up?

Sebastian Smythe: Are you really asking me that...?

Hunter Clarington: ...

Sebastian Smythe: Genuine question?

Kurt Hummel: Yes, actually, since it's on the list and you know, I've heard things. 

Kurt Hummel: Specifically from you

Kurt Hummel: Also glad you see our point. It really is time to stop smoking today

Hunter Clarington: I agree.

Sebastian Smythe: No, as far as I'm concerned, it was 'very much up' last time. However, it's cute that out of all 50 reasons, you decided to go for that.

Kurt Hummel: It's cute that you copy and pasted a list from Google

Sebastian Smythe: It's cute you assumed I copy and pasted it from Google

\----

He even didn’t admit that he indeed copy/pasted it from Google. What a fucking coward he is. Too prideful to even admit _that._

\----

Kurt Hummel: "It's to quit smoking today" is at the bottom of the list, Smythe

Sebastian Smythe: Well, I just wanted to make sure everything was there for you to enjoy, to see that I could name them all.

\----

Still not admitting it, and as tight he was holding his grudges; as tight he is clenching his fists right now.

\----

Kurt Hummel: Never thought you'd make a horrible liar

\----

 **Never thought you'd make a horrible liar.** This stang in particular.

\----

Sebastian Smythe: (unsent: I just don't get that both you care so much about me. I mean )

Sebastian Smythe: From you, Hunter, I get it, although I also thought you kind of understand.

Sebastian Smythe: Which you said so yourself, but you know. I do get why you care. But from you, Kurt, why do you care so much?

Hunter Clarington: I understand how bad it feels after, yes.

Sebastian Smythe: Yeah, the taste isn't very great

Hunter Clarington: You know what I mean.

Sebastian Smythe: ... yes, I do...

Sebastian Smythe: That, too...

Sebastian Smythe: It really does feel bad though.. but then I try to just ignore that

Kurt Hummel: Because I'm nice?

_\----  
He is._

\----

Sebastian Smythe: But to me..?

Kurt Hummel: Yes?

Sebastian Smythe: Why...?

Sebastian Smythe: (unsent: or is that weird over text? We can maybe meet up and ...)

Sebastian Smythe: Nvm, you don't have to answer that...

Kurt Hummel: Because I am kind, caring, compassionate

\----

Yes, he fucking is. Sebastian was… _is_ so surprised that Kurt and Hunter both care so deeply. He still didn’t get it. Why?! He was a horrible person in the past, and he thought to himself, after all these texts, he still probably is. 

\----

Sebastian Smythe: But it's me. You have never been nice to me, in the past, I mean. And as for the present time, we have had like 2, 3 meetups? I don’t understand… 

Sebastian Smythe: Is this too stupid to do over text? Asking for a friend

Kurt Hummel: This isn't my first rodeo in forgiveness

Kurt Hummel: How about you take it at face value and not fuck it up?

Sebastian Smythe: But it's me. Like I can't believe I'm saying this, but it turns out you're actually nice to hang out with, but I have done some horrible things in the past.

Sebastian Smythe: Hm. yeah.

\----

He started to push Kurt. Sebastian noticed his fists started to clenched up so tight, it felt that they couldn’t even get tighter. But somehow he needed to; almost to punish himself after what had happened.

\----

Kurt Hummel: I'm waiting for your point Sebastian

Sebastian Smythe: My point is that I don't get why you would forgive me. After all of... what happened.

Kurt Hummel: Well, it's not really up to you, now is it?

Sebastian Smythe: Well, considering this is about me, yes it is.

Kurt Hummel: The forgiveness part is about me

Sebastian Smythe: I just want to understand.

Kurt Hummel: You want to but do not need to

Sebastian Smythe: But why not? Don't you think it's handy for me to know? To understand you better as you want to understand me better? To, maybe, I don't know, maybe forgive you too? (more than I'm already trying to)

Kurt Hummel: What could I have done to you to warrant forgiveness?

Sebastian Smythe: And now you expect me to answer that, when I don't have an answer from you!? God, Kurt. I. Want. To. Understand. You. Me. _Us_. Better. Please… 

Sebastian Smythe: You'll get an answer, you will. But I just want to know, and I said that I don't need to, but I kind of do.

Kurt Hummel: Me telling you why forgiving you after everything that you did involves someone else's story. So I actually cannot tell you.

Sebastian Smythe: Then try to tell me excluding them.

Kurt Hummel: What you did is not the worst thing that's ever been done. I was more angry than hurt or terrified.

Kurt Hummel: ... you realize you are asking a lot out of me right

Kurt Hummel: ... I can't do it

*blocked Sebastian Smythe *

-/-/-/-/-

He fucking pushed Kurt, which resulted in Kurt blocking him. It wasn’t for much later the whole situation made him snap back into reality and realised what he did. He pushed him. He made- no he _forced_ Kurt to tell him something he clearly wasn’t ready for. And he did that for what? God, why is he so fucking stupid!?

Why couldn’t he just accept things how they were and that sometimes people just don’t want to talk about certain things? He had the same for fuck’s sake. 

It wasn’t that hard, looking back on it. But as far right in the moment of texting back and forth, he was fucking heated. As if he didn't think things through and demanded an answer.

In those moments it feels like he's blind and doesn't see things clearly, and it felt like he fell into his old behavior: The old 17 year Sebastian was there again. Instead of the age that he is right now. 

_A handful of moments, I wished I could change_

_But I was carried away_

Lyrics from ‘Therapy’ started to fill his mind. 

_My lungs gave out as I faced the crowd_

_I think that keeping this up could be dangerous_

_I'm flesh and bone, I'm a rolling stone_

_And the experts say I'm delirious_

He really needed to step away from the situation and see how they cared about them. Why couldn’t he do this at the moment? What was it that every time he looked back, that he realised he fucked up, and not in that particular moment?

The bridge of the song started to fill his mind and his head threw back as he slammed his fists on the ground in frustration.

_Arrogant boy_

_Love yourself so no one has to_

_They're better off without you_

_(They're better off without you)_

_Arrogant boy_

_'Cause a scene like you're supposed to_

_They'll fall asleep without you_

_You're lucky if your memory remains_

Somewhere in his brain he knew how self destructive he was being right now. But he honestly didn’t know how to solve this else. He was so far deep in his anxiety/panic attack that thoughts kept repeating what had happened over and over again. 

Is there something he can do to make it better? He didn’t know. Sebastian wanted to make it better; explain it to Kurt why he did the way he acted before. Was that even possible? Sebastian didn’t know and he wasn’t sure if he could solve this major fuck up. 

Sebastian felt like such a failure, he just wanted to be happy. He wanted things to be real for once. Positively; make sure his life actually matters instead of fucking up things… Actually letting people in and accept the fact that they are also accepting _him for being him_.

Plus accepting their boundaries, he has some of his own. He expected from them that they respected it, why didn’t he?

Sebastian felt so fucking lost and helpless.

-/-/-/-/-

Sebastian Smythe: I just want to understand you better, this whole situ-

Sebastian Smythe: FFS.

Sebastian Smythe: I'm going to Hummel, Hunter. Won't be on.

Hunter Clarington: No.

Hunter Clarington: Sebastian, give him some space.

Sebastian Smythe: How can I do that when I know he's hurt?

Hunter Clarington: Because people deserve their space.

Sebastian Smythe: I need to fix it. I'm finally stepping up and facing that, wanting to know him better, to understand him better, and he just shuts me out. I know what that's like and I don't want him to do the same

Hunter Clarington: Stop.

Hunter Clarington: He has made it clear that he wants space. If you violate that, you are only making it worse.

Hunter Clarington: Right now you are behaving selfishly, not thinking about what is necessary for him, only what would make you feel better.

Sebastian Smythe: I’m reading the texts back

Sebastian Smythe: Fuck...

Sebastian Smythe: God, why do I overstep so many boundaries?

Sebastian Smythe: Don't answer that.

Hunter Clarington: I don't have an answer for it.

Sebastian Smythe: It's just... I really want to try to understand him better. Like I have known him not that long and I did some fucking awful shit in that past, what I did was horrible. I just don't know the rest of it and I thought I maybe could ask him. But I didn't ask...

Hunter Clarington: Just give him space, Sebastian.

Sebastian Smythe: But when can I approach him again? He blocked me Hunter... I want to make it up and I feel like when I'm doing nothing, he'll think that I don't step up to my own mistakes. Which I'm clearly doing right now

Hunter Clarington: You may talk to him when he approaches you.

Hunter Clarington: People don't like feeling caged, Sebastian. Nor do they like feeling cornered.

Sebastian Smythe: That can be forever...

Sebastian Smythe: Man, I know that feeling. It's just... I thought that...

Hunter Clarington: You have to respect space.

Hunter Clarington: Nothing would be gained by forcing a conversation.

Sebastian Smythe: Yeah, that's right...

Sebastian Smythe: Looking back on it, I did force him... which wasn't my intention at all

Sebastian Smythe: God, I feel so fucking stupid.

Hunter Clarington: Relax, Sebastian.

Sebastian Smythe: It's very hard to do so, right now. The fact that I want to light a cigarette again, is saying more than enough.

Hunter Clarington: You need to find something else to turn to when stressed.

Sebastian Smythe: Yeah, but coffee and suckers won't do the trick right now.

Sebastian Smythe: I suppose I can go for a run...

Sebastian Smythe: Can't I just leave a voicemail? I know I should give him space, but I just… 

Sebastian Smythe: I want to make this right… 

Hunter Clarington: No.

Sebastian Smythe: Fine. Can I go back to you once I'm done with my run?

Hunter Clarington: You may.

Sebastian Smythe: (after 45 mins) Thank you. I'm going for a run now. You want me to text when I'm close to your place?

Hunter Clarington: Sure.

Sebastian Smythe: Will do

-/-/-/-/-

Maybe he needed a run after all. Running and never looking back. It could help, besides he couldn’t smoke right now. He knew it was his first instinct and he would really love one right now. But he couldn’t do it, not after this incident. 

In a reflex he lifted himself up from the ground and started to block out his emotions; he could feel again after the run… Now he just needs to put on his runner shoes, his training joggers and a sport shirt. 

Every move he made felt automatic; he could almost feel that his eyes stared at the things he did: changing himself in the sport equipment, sitting down on his couch as he tied his shoes, grabbing his earplugs, putting on his motivational sport playlist, already putting volume loud enough. And eventually he grabbed his keys and stepped out of his apartment and already started to jog. 

_Hoping_ that somehow this would make him feel better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another song, yay! This time it’s Therapy by All Time Low. It’s a classic Sebastian song, imo. 
> 
> I also want to thank you for leaving kudos/comments on my previous piece, it means the world to me and it has filled my heart with a lot of joy. Plus it helped me to write more <3

**Author's Note:**

> The italics you see as the quote in the beginning is a song (Lose Control by Zoe Wees), which I listened to when I wrote this song. It really reminds me of Sebastian.  
> -  
> Thank you so much for reading, and I hope you enjoyed my first fic on this site :)


End file.
